Talkin' Taiwan

Jockin' Jay-Z. This post is about language in Taiwan, and not just Chinese. Most people here also speak the native language, Taiwanese. They've got some great idioms. For instance:

"Just because you can't afford pork doesn't mean you don't know how a pig walks." This means that there is no excuse for a lack of common sense. Today, interestingly, industrialization and development have led people to make the opposite claim about Taiwanese youth: "they can afford pork, but they don't know how a pig walks." Kids these days.

"[He is] a frog at the bottom of the well." This refers to someone who is narrow-minded, with limited vision. The parable has it that a frog, who has never left his well, is talking to a turtle. The frog says, "life here is fantastic. I have my own little puddle of water and a few delicious flies to keep me satisfied." The turtle responds, "That sounds nice, but have you ever seen the ocean? It is tens of thousands of feet deep, with many creatures of all kinds. " Meaning that the simplest don't even know what they're missing.

"Old ginger is spicier than fresh ginger." This is factually true, and you can say it anytime age wins out.

I also really like some of the Chinese I'm learning:

If someone says "thank you," you can respond with, "bu huei," which means literally, "[you] can't." In other words, "what I have done for you is so minor and insignificant it is not even possible for you to thank me for it." Quite modest, I think.

One thing that struck me, and which was kind of jarring at first, is that the word for "that" in Chinese is "nigga." This wouldn't be especially noteworthy, except for the fact that the Taiwanese use the word "that" the way Americans use the word "like." As in every other word. They say it even when speaking English, so if I ask for directions somewhere and they're trying to think of the right English words, they'll go, "umm...nigga, take a right...nigga, by the gas station, nigga." Relatedly, "jigga" means "this."

Also, in Chinese saying "ma" at the end of a sentence indicates that you are asking a question. So it's perfectly grammatical to say, "whatsup, ma?"

And on the basketball court, they call an outdoor court "a crowded cattle pen" and they say, "bread!" when someone shoots an airball (I have no idea why).

Here are some pics of me giving a presentation at the Fulbright orientation in Taipei back in September.

What is a poinsettia?

Yesterday, my Taiwanese co-teachers were setting up Christmas decorations around the school, and they said to me, "sorry, but we don't have a poinsettia to put up." And I was like, "who is that?" And they were like, "you know, the Christmas flower." And I'm like, "I have never heard of said flower." So then they showed me a picture of it online and I go, "Nope, sorry. I don't think I've ever seen that before. It's prolly a Taiwanese thing." One of my Taiwanese co-teachers, his jaw literally dropped, and with this dead serious look on his face, he goes: "I am shocked," like I just told him they don't eat McDonalds in America or somethin.

But when I asked the other Americans on the program they all were like, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A POINSETTIA IS?!" Not surprisingly, the only other person who didn't know what a poinsettia is was this Jewish girl.

So help me out here: should I know what a poinsettia is? Do yall know what it is? In my mind, if I don't see it by the fountain at the mall, if it wasn't in any scene from "Home Alone," if it's not 50-feet tall and at Rockefeller center, and if no girls gonna kiss me when I stand under it, then I ain't know nothin about it.

Here's a picture if ur like me:

Strange Ways

Last Sunday I was just goin to get some lunch when I heard these two girls talking behind me. One said to the other (in Chinese), "are you hungry?" and I actually understood what she was saying so I turned around and said (in Chinese), "yea! I'm hungry!" Then we started talking (all in Chinese) and they invited me to go to lunch with them. But when we got to this vegetarian place one of the girls asked me if I had a girlfriend and I was like, "no," and so she was like, "ok, then you go on a date with my friend now," and then she just left me with the other girl! It turned out to be all good; one interesting moment came when the girl didn't know the word "Jewish," so i explained it this way: i held up three fingers, and pointed to one and said "Muslim," pointed to one and said, "Christian," and pointed to one and said, "Jewish," and then she got it. We exchanged digits (but didn't arrange visits).

That reminds me of when I was eating at another vegetarian buffet and I started talking to this elderly Taiwanese man and he ended up inviting me to his house right then and there. I was a little apprehensive, since in the U.S. I would never go to the home of some old dude I just met (I'm not tryna go out on some "Silence of the Lambs" tip). But I went anyway. It was totally worth it when we went to his house and he had me sing karaoke for him, and I (ironically) chose the 1950's song "Diana," which goes, "I'm so young and you're so old/this my darling I've been told" and then he had me teach him the lyrics in English.

Lastly, two cool things:

1. I got acupuncture. They stuck what looked like these incense candles in my back and then hooked them up to these Frankenstein-style electric nodes. It didn't hurt, but felt weird. It was actually covered by my Taiwanese health insurance under, "traditional Chinese medicine."

2. I went to a Taiwanese ashram for disciples/devotees of Supreme Master Ching Hai. They're really into vegetarianism, so we basically just ate and meditated all day. Nice way to spend a Sunday.

Various pics from Taiwan University for the Performing Arts, this festival in Jiaosi, plus this hike I went on. I could say more about all of those, but I done took up enough time.

Momma said, "wear a helmet"

don't worry, Mom, if a cop pulls me over it won't be because of this

"Cop Pulls Gun Over Scooter Helmet Violation"
Mon Dec 1, 2008 12:03pm EST

TAIPEI (Reuters) - A motor scooter rider in central Taiwan was held at gunpoint during a traffic stop for not wearing a safety helmet, local media said on Thursday.
After a police car whistled to the scooter to pull over, the officer in Taichung county pulled a gun on the 54-year-old rider surnamed Lin, who was wearing a hat but not a helmet, and ordered her not to move, Taiwan's Liberty Times said.
A spokesman for the Taiping police station in Taichung county said a gun was pulled because the rider had tried to get away.
"If you don't pull over, this can happen," said station spokesman You Chi-ming. "The officer's action was not extreme."

5 Thanksgivings

They were all special in their own way:

1. We went to Taipei for an early Thanksgiving with the American Institute of Taiwan. Since Taiwan is not "technically" a country, there is not "officially" an American embassy here, which bespeaks the complex political situation. I haven't talked about Taiwanese politics on this blog, but its gotten really crazy lately; student demonstrations, massive protests, a visit by a high-level Chinese official, the former President of Taiwan being arrested on corruption charges and then going on a hunger strike, etc. Anyway, the pumpkin pie at this thing was really good and I had like 4 pieces.

2. My host family (Kendra, James, and Cliff) took me out to dinner at the highest restaurant in Yilan. All the patrons were stoned. No, actually it was at the top of this mountain where you had a view of the whole city and it looked beautiful at night. My host fam said, "we heard that Americans get lonely at these holidays, so we wanted to be with you." They're awesome, and not just bcuz they love to take me out drinking.

3. Same night, I went to my friend Evie's place. She had made a Thanksgiving dinner for her co-teacher, but her co-teacher had to cancel at the last minute, leaving you-know-who with the enviable job of eatin all the leftover food. I shoulda gotten p-a-i-d Im so good at that.

4. Friday I went on a hike with these two Professors from the local University. The trail was challenging and the view at the top was literally indescribable. Which is why I prolly shoulda taken pictures. Oh well. After that I drove to Loudong for the Fulbright Thanksgiving. If you think I didn't devour an insane amount of food after my exhilarating hike, you must not know bout me.

5. Sunday night I went to a potluck Thanksgiving at a local church. This completed my interfaith-themed week, since on Thursday I went to a Buddhist ceremony and "received the Tao." Basically, I placed incense in front of this statue of the Buddha and got a blessing from one of the priests. Then I was told the "3 secrets," which I am not permitted to reveal to anyone. The swearing me to secrecy thing was kind of undermined, though, when they handed me a pamphlet with the "3 secrets" written in it. And although I can't be sure, I think I may have accidentally converted to Buddhism.

Pics from the various Thanksgivings, as well as the Thanksgiving-themed "thank you" cards my students wrote in class last week.

Taipei: President Ma and Lil Jon

So much to say about Taipei that this one is a two-parter. part one:

Taipei has been dubbed, "the world's most underrated capital city." Now, I ain't been to enough capital cities yet to know about all that, but I will say Taipei is a really cool spot. A few weeks ago we were invited to this real fancy party for "Double-Ten" day, which celebrates the uprising that led to the overthrow of the Qing Dynasty and the establishment of Taiwan. The party was pretty good and I felt like James Bond. There were all these diplomats in tuxedos and beautiful women in evening dresses, and I chatted up some ambassadors from Burkina Faso, The Gambia, and Senegal. There was even a Latin American guy in military regalia, which I think is a prerequisite for these kind of events.

The President of Taiwan, Ma Ying-jeou, was also there. I was just goin to get a martini (shaken, not stirred) when I turned around and there was President Ma with this huge security detail shakin hands with people. I wanted to talk him up (President Ma went to Harvard Law, that was gonna be my opening), but then he got swept away somewhere else with his big entourage, so i didn't get a chance to go up to him and say, "Hey Ma, whatsup? You smoke? I drink, me too, well good...cuz we gon get it on tonightttt"

There was one more celebrity sighting, the Taiwanese actor Van Fan. He's big here, having recently starred in the movie, "Cape No. 7," which is the 2nd most successful movie ever in Taiwan, behind only "Titanic." "Cape No. 7" is also Taiwan's entry in this year's Oscars for "best foreign language film." I saw the movie and it was really good, check it out if you get a chance.

Then after rubbing elbows with the high-rollers, we went to this hip-hop club where Lil Jon was performing. That's right, you heard me. Lil Jon. Mr. "Yeaaaa" himself came thru because he's got love for Taiwan. And also because they prolly paid him an insane amount of $. I was skeptical as to what he was actually goin to perform, because he's not technically a "rapper," but his set was actually pretty cool, just doin the hooks from a lot of dirty south songs and pouring expensive vodka on the crowd while taking big swigs of it himself. It got krunk in the club.

Here are some pics from the wknd: Lil Jon, President Ma, and a picture of me killin the buffet (like I always do) at this welcome reception they had for Fulbrighters.

Girltalk

As the only heterosexual dude on a 16-person Fulbright delegation, there's often a lotta "girltalk" goin on. I got two cool female roomates, though. Mary is from Minnesota, and is studying for the GMAT (business school). Paige will be in China next year, before attending Yale law school (Go Harvard). I could never imagine living with two girls (jk Nora and Caryn) but its working out well.

Here's a pic of the 3 of us from August, when we didn't know we would be living together and our fates thus irreperably intertwined. Paige is on the left, Mary is on the right, the 48th President of the United States is in the middle.


Secondly, I went to this party in Loudong this past wknd (25 minute motorcycle-ride from my hood, Yilan) and they were playing this DJ named, "Girltalk." His stuff is f-ing amazin. He mixes my favorite songs from my parents generation, the 90's, and contemporary stuff with the hottest artists in hip hop. For example: The Band w/Young Joc, Ace of Base w/Cassidy. Check out this video, its dope.

Warning: this video contains expletives of the non-fleeting variety.